Naming Ceremony

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Naming Ceremony, 7^th March 2004

With grateful thanks to the British Humanist Association for their authorised use of some material from their book – ‘New Arrivals’... it is only their material and our own that can be quoted on this website for copyright purposes.

“When children come into our lives they bring a world of joys,

Laughter and discoveries, kisses, hugs and toys.

Each day brings new surprises, special wonders to explore.

When children come into our lives our world is new once more”

Shaun and I have always deliberated over what we should do with regards to celebrating when we eventually had a baby. We both admitted liking the tradition of having a Christening; we both like the beautiful architecture of Churches and we like the idea of having all our friends and family around to help us celebrate – afterall, that’s the reason we were married in Church. However, we are now older and wiser, and can see the hypocrisy of that decision given that we were not at all religious.

A service in a Church should be based on true faith and a belief in the religion in which the Ceremony is being conducted. Neither Shaun or I practice the religions chosen for us, we are not religious people. We therefore felt that if we were to have Callum Christened, we would be making false promises to him; we would not be planning to take him to Church each week and/or to bring him up in a manner defined by religious customs… so why should we stand there and promise such things? Also, most people we know do not actively practice their religion, so why should we ask some of them to stand up and be God Parents, promising to help with Callum’s religious coaching?

We do not doubt that some people do follow their religion and therefore a Christening is quite appropriate to them. We can also appreciate that many people have their children Christened out of tradition, or because it is ‘expected’ by other members of their family. We just didn’t feel that it was the right thing for us to do.

Despite all this, we did not want Callum’s arrival to go unmarked; we had tried so long for him, also many of our family and friends were eager to celebrate his eventual arrival. So we looked at alternatives, which meant we could welcome him into our lives without offending those who do follow their religion. The final decision was that we would have a Naming Ceremony based on Ceremonies held by the British Humanist Association (BHA).

We knew we were breaking away from tradition, given that Naming Ceremonies are not yet common place in the UK (although they have been held by the BHA for decades, and they aren’t the only ones who have been doing so), so we wondered how the news would be taken by our families. We were so pleased that most of them fully supported our decision and understood the reasons behind it. We were a little worried that we may offend my Grandma, given her generation and her Irish Catholic faith… but we needn’t have worried, she was so excited about the Naming Ceremony, and said she was looking forward to seeing the “modern way”.

So, the decision was made, now for the planning. As usual, my Mum & dad were ready to help out in any way they could – phoning around, gathering information, babysitting whilst we got on with things etc. All credit and thanks to them for the hard work that they put in!

Naming Ceremonies can be conducted by anyone, but we didn’t want to conduct our own as we wanted to be able to go with the flow of someone else doing it. We considered getting a Celebrant from the BHA, but we decided to support our local Registrars who had only recently been given permission to conduct Naming Ceremonies (in their capacity as ‘Celebrant’ as opposed to ‘Registrar’). We believe we were only the second family within the Wakefield District to have a ‘Civil’ Naming Ceremony.

Even though we chose the Registrar to conduct the Ceremony, we wanted it to be very individual and personal to us… so, I spent some considerable time drafting the script for the Ceremony (with the help of reading materials from the BHA). Once Shaun and I were happy with it we presented our script to the Registrar, who agreed to conduct the Ceremony although we did have to pay extra as it was a ‘Bespoke’ service and was not one of their standard ones.

Finding a venue was difficult. As we had chosen to use the Registrar, we could only use premises that held a licence for Civil Weddings… the problem was that most of them wanted to charge the same as a wedding!! We asked about ‘room only’ hire so that we could arrange our own catering, but many were reluctant, and those that said ok wanted an astronomical amount just for the room. However, we tried not to be too down-hearted. Eventually we tried the Wilton Ballroom in Whitwood, Castleford (www.thewilton.co.uk). They were much more reasonable. They had buffets at realistic prices too… and close to home. We wanted the catering to be done by a friend of my Mum’s, and The Wilton were prepared to let us have their venue at a very reasonable rate and were happy to accept our own caterer. Finally we felt everything was back on track.

In Naming Ceremonies you can choose to have ‘Supporting Adults’, these are the equivalent of ‘God Parents’… only without the religious connotations. It was so difficult choosing who we would have. We have so many friends and family members who have really supported us throughout our quest for a family. In the end, we decided to stick mainly with family so as not to appear to be choosing one friend over another and causing offence. Both Shaun and myself have brothers, so we chose them (Kevin & Andrew) as the male Supporting Adults. For the female Supporting Adults we chose Shaun’s Niece, Anna-Marie; and a close family friend, Nicola, whose parents have been friends with my family for decades.

We sent out 130 invites, asking for replies so that we could arrange appropriate catering. Unfortunately, some people replied to say that they couldn’t make it, but we understood that they had other commitments on that day. In the main though, most people replied to say that they could come. Given the replies received, we decided to cater for 100 guests.

So, we contacted Denise (D’s Delights) to do the catering. She was very helpful and very affordable. I don’t know how she managed to put on such a fantastic spread at such a great price! Hat’s off to her, she did a great job. Denise also provided the helium balloons and the Naming Day Cake.

The cake - top layer sponge cake, bottom layer fruit cake... to suit all tastes!

I was so disappointed at not being able to do Callum’s cake myself. There were people coming to the party for whom I had made Birthday cakes, Christening cakes and Wedding Cakes etc. etc. Yet here I was, finally with a Celebration of my own, and I was unable to make the cake given that pregnancy had kindly left me with restricted use of my hands due to carpal tunnel syndrome… whilst everyday stuff isn’t too bad, I can no longer cope with more intricate/repeated tasks or prolonged strain on my hands and wrists. Oh well, it’s a small price to pay for a successful pregnancy, and should ease over time.

We wanted everyone to have a keepsake of the day, you know, in the same vein as ‘bridal favours’ at a wedding. We spent ages trying to decide what to give. Eventually we settled on producing a booklet containing the ceremony script… it seemed appropriate as no doubt no-one will have attended a Naming Ceremony before, and they could therefore read through it in their own time after the day to reflect on what had taken place. It was hard work getting these typed up, after all we still had a baby to look after! However, it seemed a popular decision to do them as many people have thanked us for these since. All our hard work on them had paid off.

We wanted to have some sort keepsake of the Day for Callum too. As it can be hard getting Naming Day Greeting Cards, we told everyone that they shouldn’t feel obliged to try to find one… instead we were making a Commemorative Folder, and everyone would be given a Guest Card to sign. When he is older, he will be able to read all the special messages written for him, also, we included a space for guests to note their relationship to Callum – which means he will be able to use them to assist with the compilation of his family tree.

We bought a beautiful leather, pewter and amber ring binder with a resin dragon mould on the front… the Loschy Hill Dragon… allegedly a notorious dragon slain by a Yorkshireman called Peter Loschy. It sounds like a strange binder to choose for the occasion, but it’s very ‘us’, and has to been seen to be for its real beauty to be appreciated. By the time Callum is old enough to appreciate the folder, and its contents, he won’t be concerned with baby blues! Plus we are hoping it will become a family heirloom and be passed down the generations. All the Guest Cards have been put in and we are also collecting photos of the day to be put in there too.

The Loschy Hill Dragon Ring Binder

As the day approached, we got more and more excited, although we were a little worried that something would go wrong and it would turn out to be a disaster.

We had also been concerned that the day would be a too much for Callum… but this was not the case. He loves to be picked up and cuddled, so having a day where he had dozens of people all wanting to do just that was ok by him and he took it all in his stride!

Finally, Callum’s big day arrived…

When we first arrived at the venue, it was rather hectic. Despite it being 45 minutes before the Ceremony started, some Guests had already arrived because they had travelled some considerable distance and had had to allow for delays. Plus, some had travelled with the Supporting Adults who we had asked to arrive a little early to meet the Registrar.

I felt rotten at not being able to spend time with our waiting Guests, but we had to go into the Ceremony area to check how things were set out and to arrange everything… putting booklets and Guest Cards out on the chairs, checking arrangements with the Caterer, discussing things with the Registrar (Judith) etc. As ever, we were ably assisted by my Mum & Dad. Anna-Marie also did a great deal of setting out for us – thanks again to everyone.

The staff at the Wilton were ever so helpful and attentive, checking that we had everything we needed, and assisting our Guests with seating etc. Thanks again to them for helping the day go so well.

Big thanks must also go to our friend Colin had kindly agreed to view the Ceremony from behind our video camera!

It got to 12 Noon; time to start, but quite a few people still hadn’t arrived, so with the agreement of Judith we decided to give them another 10 minutes or so in case they were having difficulties finding us.

At around 12.15 we started the proceedings. Luckily, Callum had decided he was hungry at about 11.30am, so we had given him a bottle. We thought we had better be prepared and take some bottles with us… whilst I am quite open about breastfeeding, I have my limits and didn’t want to stand up doing it in front of 100 people!). So, Callum was well fed, content and surprisingly awake after his feed.

Judith started by opening the Ceremony and speaking a little about the purposes of Naming Ceremonies, our decision to hold such a Ceremony and how Callum’s arrival had been long awaited. She then made a mention of Callum’s Grandparents and Great Grandma before reciting our first reading… entitled ‘What We Are’ By Frances G Wickes:-

“No-one is born a new being. He bears in his psyche the input of past generations. He is a combination of ancestral units from which a new being must be fused, yet he also bears within him an essential germ, a potential of a unique individual value. The discovery of this unique essence and its development is the quest of consciousness.”

We then stepped forward with Callum to officially name him, with Judith reading the words we had written about the importance and significance of a name, and welcomed him into our circle of family and friends and expressed some of our hopes for his development and self worth.

Callum stared intently at Judith all the way through and seemed to take in every word she said… something she commented on at the time!

Next Judith recited the second reading we had chosen, this one being ‘Meditation on the Upbringing of Children’ by Dorothy Lowe Nolle:-

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn;

If children live with hostility, they learn how to fight;

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy;

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient;

If children live with encouragement, they learn to have

confidence;

If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate;

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith;

If children live with approval, they learn to like

themselves;

If children live with love around them, they learn to

give love to the world.

It was then time for Shaun and me to read out our own personal Commitment to Callum. We updated this page in August 2009 to remove the promises we made to keep them more personal to our family. However, if anyone is looking for ideas for their own ceremony, may I suggest getting the booklet "New Arrivals" from the British Humanist Association as it is a fantastic resource.

After the Ceremony with Mum & Dad

Then, we made our formal promises to Callum – answering ‘We promise’ to a series of statements. Again, we updated this page in August 2009 to remove the promises we made to keep them more personal to our family. However, if anyone is looking for ideas for their own ceremony, may I suggest getting the booklet "New Arrivals" from the British Humanist Association as it is a fantastic resource.

We had kept the next part of the Ceremony a bit of a secret, only a handful of people were aware of it. Shaun and I had decided to use the occasion to renew our own commitment to each other by making some new vows.

The only regret I have is that Judith had said at the time that we could stay seated for the next part as we had been up and down so much. In hindsight, we should really have stood up anyway so that the guests’ views weren’t so restricted. Never mind... we sat facing each other as we said our vows.

Next Judith talked about the importance of other people, outside the immediate family circle, when raising children and introduced Anna, Nicola, Kevin and Andrew as the Supporting Adults – explaining their role as being one of taking a special interest in his development and being a source of advice and a listening ear for both the parents and the child as Callum grows towards adulthood.

The four of them had been sat directly behind us during the Ceremony, and as they were asked to come forward they were still smiling and sniggering at the fact that during the Ceremony Callum had been laughing at them for over his Daddy’s shoulder! It served to highlight the relaxed and joyous mood of the day.

They all then repeated the words “I promise” as Judith read out the commitments they were making to Callum. An example promise is below, courtesy of the British Humanist Association:-

“Do you promise to accept a special commitment to Callum, to offer friendship and sanctuary so that he can turn to you in times of doubt or difficulty, with confidence and trust?”

After the Ceremony with Mum & Dad & the Supporting Adults

Anna-Marie, Kevin, Nicola & Andrew

To mark Callum’s Naming, we had arranged to give him a symbolic gift, we chose a flower and asked Callum’s Cousin Luke to present it to him on our behalf. Judith read out the meaning behind the flower, as taken from "New Arrivals" by the British Humanist Association…

“In this ceremony, we give Callum a flower: It symbolises the beauty and wonder of life, and the meaning of your dedication. Whether a flower comes into full bloom or not, whether it grows tall and strong, whether its purpose is fulfilled, depends on the nurture it receives. No flower grows alone, apart from the sunshine and the rain, apart from the soil from which it grows. So, too, no child grows up alone, and you are here for Callum, in all the seasons and the times of his days.”

The flower was presented on a green velvet cushion which was embroidered with the words “Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow, Live Today”.

All that was left then was for Judith to close the Ceremony by speaking a little about what the Ceremony had achieved, and about how much Callum is loved, and then asking the Supporting Adults and ourselves to sign the record of the Ceremony.

We were thrilled that it had all gone so well – now time for everyone to relax and ‘eat, drink & be merry’ as they say.

… Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together?

It was still hectic though, as Shaun and I tried to mingle with all our Guests. We spent very little time together, or with our son… who was happily lapping up all the attention from everyone!

Having a cuddle with Anna-Marie

Callum was so good and wasn’t fazed by it at all… only getting a little restless when he was trying to remind us to change his nappy and give him his fromage frais… in all the frivolity time had gone by so quickly and what with him not spending much time with us - it had kinda slipped our minds!

Grandma feeds him his fromage frais

We had bought a few disposable cameras and asked everyone to take pictures and then pass them around… I’m so glad we did. It was difficult to feel that we were giving enough attention to everyone, but the pictures showed that they were all just fine and having a great time. We were so excited (and nervous!) about getting them developed as we really didn’t have a clue what was on them! It also means that we have some sort of photograph of nearly everyone who attended to put into the commemorative folder.

Just in case the disposable cameras missed anyone, my Mum had been doing her ‘David Bailey’ bit and going around with her camera taking snapshots of everyone – thanks Mum!

Denise’s buffet went down a treat… everyone really enjoyed it. There was such a wide selection of food that there was something for everyone. Shaun managed to grab be a plateful for in-between our socialising… plus initially, Callum had wanted to mark the end of the Ceremony by having another drink… on draft as opposed to a bottle!

Eventually, the Guests started leaving, but those who stayed a little longer were treated to a little spontaneous entertainment… sisters Sandra and Robyn were ‘persuaded’ to show off their new skill – tap dancing! With such a big dance area and their tap shoes in the back of their parent’s car it would have been such a waste not to have sampled their talents. Thanks girls, I know you were a little shy about doing it, and so some people missed out… but guess what, it was all captured on video!!! Hee hee!

Sandra & Robyn before their routine

As we prepared to leave, it took many hands to pack our car (and my Mum & Dads!) with all the gifts we had received for Callum. Again we were lost for words with everyone’s generosity. We had told people not to feel obliged to buy pressies, but we still received loads. Thanks so much to one and all. We would love to thank everyone individually, but as we collected more and more packages from people it became difficult to remember exactly who gave us which one and not all of them had tags on. We are pretty sure we can remember which was from whom, but we won’t put it to the test so publicly! Some people had even managed to get hold of ‘Naming Day’ greeting cards… thanks and well done!

Everyone we spoke to told us how they hadn’t known what to expect but they had really enjoyed the Ceremony. Later that evening, when we were at home, we were receiving phone calls and text messages from people saying thanks for a great day… setting the trend for the next few days. It felt so good knowing that everyone had enjoyed themselves so much that they couldn’t help but get in touch and tell us.

Some of the comments we received were…

“I felt comfortable making those promises. They were more appropriate than those made in Christenings. I did not promise anything that I could not, or would not, be able to carry out.”

(Callum’s Uncle Andrew, my brother)

“thanks for showing us how it should be done…”

(friend, and Shaun’s colleague, Ian)

“thanks for a great day – much better than the traditional”

(Shaun’s cousin, Sue)

“I feel naming ceremonies will be the way of the future, or at least I hope they will. I think you are right to give him the firm foundation in life as you have promised, while leaving him to develop his own personality...

...I didn't know what to expect on the day, but I am happy to say I really enjoyed it. I was so proud of you both the way you organised everything. The extra personal touch of the books for everyone to follow what was happening was brilliant, and the cards to fill in for his keepsake book. I have never seen anything as beautiful as that.”

(Callum’s Grandma, my Mum)

It was lovely to extend the day once we got home by spending time with my parents and my brother, opening all the presents and cards. We also read through all the Guest Cards which had been completed for Callum’s folder. It really was quite emotional at times.

I could not sleep that night for thinking about what a perfect day it was. I didn’t want the day to end. Although we were happy when Callum was born safe and sound, I was also recovering from the c-section. Then we were caught up in the task of being new parents. Whilst we were always saying how happy we were to have him, I don’t think we every really just relaxed and reflected upon our happiness.

However, this was a day where nothing else seemed to matter. We organised it all because we wanted to share our joy with our friends and family. There had been no housework piling up around us; no feeling of total responsibility and vigilance… we could watch our son as observers rather than being constantly involved. We could see everyone sharing in our happiness. We felt happy, contented, fulfilled and proud. I could babble on like this for hours and I still don’t think I would be able to make anyone understand just how we felt on that day.

I looked over at Callum in his crib… he was fast asleep, but he was smiling. Quite obviously dreaming about a day full of his favourite things… cuddles!

I looked at Shaun; he too was fast asleep with a smile on his face. Perfect! I just lay there watching them both, thinking how much I wanted to ring my Mum and just talk about the day over and over. I told her this the next day and she said I should have done as she was awake most of the night too!

Shaun and I talked about the events of the day over and over for days after. It really was an unforgettable day.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to such a perfect day, and thanks to all our guests… not just for their generosity, but simply for being there to celebrate with us. It meant so much to see so many people who wanted to share in our celebrations because they were genuinely happy for us. Thank you.

I enjoyed the day so much, I'm glad we got a Celebrant to do it rather than doing it ourselves - it meant that we could enjoy the day fully. I am rather taken by these Ceremonies now though, so if anyone is looking for someone to officiate at theirs - I'm available and used to public speaking!

Below is a good selection of photos from the day. Despite problems with our scanner, I have persevered and got as many photo’s scanned in the best I could. If you don’t see your mug shot here, rest assured that we are working on it and we will get there in the end.

Thanks to everyone who let us have copies of their photos… if anyone out there has some we’ve not seen, please let us know – not just for the site, but we are gathering copies of all the best photos for the commemorative folder. If you have digital photos, please could you email them to us?

(If you would rather not appear, let us know!)